On becoming a person

More than five years already… In hindsight, I remember a certain enthusiasm for reading this book. So when you go through the pages of my French copy (I have got both the French and the original version of the work) neatly stored in my library, you see that it is very colorful: I wanted to highlight some sentences by highlighting them with markers of several colors and writing annotations with a wooden pencil. Some people consider it as a sacrilege but I was with a happy heart. These traces therefore show a sure enthusiastic impulse 🙂

1. Presentation by the author himself▲

To become familiar with him, to make a connection, to be able to listen to him, the author begins by introducing himself. The work therefore begins with personal notes and an autobiographical chapter entitled “This is Me”. We learn that Carl Rogers was born on January 8, 1902 in the suburbs of Chicago and grew up on a farm in a very traditional world and received a strict education with respect for religious values and the values of effort and work. As a child, he was fascinated by night butterflies, read a large number of agricultural books and learned about the scientific method.

« I learned how difficult it is to test an hypothesis. I acquired a knowledge of and a respect for the methods of science in a field of practical endeavor. »

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt.1 “This is Me”, p. 6.

After an enlightening stay in China in 1922, he completely freed himself from the religious opinions of his parents and then gave up the idea of becoming a pastor. It was also at this time that he married a young girl he had known since childhood.

« It seemed to me it would be a horrible thing to have to profess a set of beliefs, in order to remain in one’s profession. I wanted to find a field in which I could be sure my freedom of thought would not be limited. »

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt.1 “This is Me”, p. 8.

Interested in courses and lectures in psychology and psychiatry, he then turned to psychology by entering the Normal School of Columbia University as an intern at the institute of psycho-pedagogical orientation. He obtained his doctorate in 1931. At the end of his internship, he found a position in the Child Study Department of the Association for Child Welfare in Rochester, New York. Student and then psychologist, he questions Freudian psychoanalytic doctrine.

« I soaked up the dynamic Freudian views of the staff, which included David Levy and Lawson Lowrey, and found them in great conflict with the rigorous, scientific, coldly objective, statistical point of view then prevalent at Teachers’ College »

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt.1 “This is Me”, p. 9.

While carrying out his work as a psychologist, he made this observation:

« […] that it is the client who knows what hurts, what directions to go, what problems are crucial, what experiences have been deeply buried. It began to occur to me that unless I had a need to demonstrate my own cleverness and learning, I would do better to rely upon the client for the direction of movement in the process. »

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt.1 “This is Me”, p. 11-12.

During these twelve years in Rochester, he became a father and decided then to publish the book Clinical Treatment of the Problem Child. He accepted next a position at Ohio University. He then realizes that he has developed a very personal theory. He thus wrote the manuscript of Counseling and Psychotherapy. He stayed there during five years, then twelve at the University of Chicago, and four at the University of Wisconsin. He publishes many articles and works. Among them, I cite: Client-centered Therapy: Its current practice, implications and theory., On becoming a person (entitled The development of the person for the French version), A Way Of Being. He leads and participates in many meeting groups and workshops around the world, facilitating interpersonal relationships and thus contributing to peace.

« In the last two decades I have become somewhat more accustomed to being fought over, but the reactions to my ideas continue to surprise me. From my point of view I have felt that I have always put forth my thoughts in a tentative manner, to be accepted or rejected by the reader or the student. But at different times and places psychologists, counselors, and educators have been moved to great wrath, scorn and criticism by my views. »

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt.1 “This is Me”, p. 14-15.

« My wife and I have found isolated hideaways in Mexico and in the Caribbean where no one knows I am a psychologist; where painting, swimming, snorkeling, and capturing some of the scenery in color photography are my major activities. »

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt.1 “This is Me”, p. 13.

Carl Rogers died on February 4, 1987 at the age of 85.

2. Sharing three notions▲

I now light three flames on words, expressions that spoke, made sense to me.

2.1. « Non-directivity »▲

The first notion is present in our daily lives: it questions the purpose of our actions, the meaning we put into them or not, the logic or absurdity of our actions, the commitment or restraint of what we undertake. The first spark is therefore the notion of non-directivity in the dialog, in the listening.

Non-directivity means allowing the person being listened the freedom to express oneself and to choose for oneself the course of one’s expression. I also understand it as a mark of trust in the interpersonal relationship: the person in difficulty, who needs help, may be desperate, suffering, wandering, but not helpless and therefore remains the best person placed to know the resources available to oneself and therefore to choose where to go.

2.2. The verb « to experience »▲

The second luminous burst is the verb experience, a neologism in French that we find in the Frech version book and which I really like. The verb ‘experience’ in English means “to make a profound experience”, which has a weakened meaning in the French translation: “to make an experience”. The notion of depth of the lived experience is disintegrated. The neologism ‘experiencer’in French is therefore used to translate the difference between ‘being the experience’ and ‘doing an experience’. The word is bright in my eyes because I would say about myself that I often experience and I love doing it.

2.3. The « actualizing tendency » and potato metaphor▲

The third flaming twig now lights up. The actualizing tendency refers to the potential for transformation and evolution of each person written deep within their being. Wanting to know more about this concept, in particular by consulting the digital library cairn.info, I learned that Carl Rogers uses, in more colorful language, the metaphor of the potato. This story is a metaphor but is undoubtedly based on a real observation by Carl Rogers.

Indeed, any potato has the actualizing tendency to produce a beautiful plant full of tubers. Placed in good conditions, fertile land with nutrients, it can be fully realized. In a hostile environment like that of a cellar, the potato tries to thrive by launching sprouts towards the light.

Like this potato, every human being is endowed with an innate capacity to realize their potentials which are positive, rational and oriented towards socialization. We must therefore understand the apparently bizarre, futile, or even violent behavior of a person as an effort to realize oneself, even if this realization does not reach a normal expression because of the surrounding toxicity.

Which made Carl Rogers say:

“When I look at the world I am pessimistic, but when I look at people I am optimistic.”

Therefore, it is up to the person to be able to provide oneself with a “ground” favorable to their personal development, to experience one’s potential in complete safety and thus rediscover their actualizing tendency.

Like Rogers, I have the deep conviction that the human heart is positive, that the essence of life is an opportunity for growth and development. Which explains why the position “Human beings are by nature violent”, although quite shared in our society, but therefore false!, offends me, annoys me greatly: I think bitterly of the cafe philo Non-violence, how far? which I attended. Moreover, deep down, it echoes the philosophical question: “Why is there something rather than nothing? “. Why life, or more precisely, the vital momentum, and not the constant state of death?

3. Person-centered therapy▲

Now I share what I consider to be a key, because, in my opinion, it allows you to open doors, especially those of the human heart.

3.1. The necessary and sufficient conditions required for therapeutic change▲

As part of therapy or a helping relationship, these are the six necessary and sufficient conditions required for therapeutic change:

1. Two persons must be in contact : that is the psychological contact, a relationship between cared person and therapist.
2. Person being cared incongruence: the person being cared must be in a state of incongruence, anxiety or vulnerability.
3. Therapist or caregiver congruence: the therapist or caregiver must be congruent during this interpersonal contact.
4. Therapist or caregiver unconditional positive regard: the therapist or caregiver must feel unconditional positive regard for the person being cared for.
5. Therapist or caregiver empathic understanding: the therapist or caregiver must experience an empathic understanding of the inner world of the person being cared for and their frame of reference, and they must strive to communicate this understanding to the person being cared for.
6. Person being cared perception: finally, it is necessary for the person being cared to perceive, even in a small way, these three facilitating attitudes of the therapist or caregiver: congruence, unconditional positive consideration and empathy, that is to say the three previous conditions.

I wanted to reformulate in my own way the conditions of the change process, as I understood them, in my own words. I particularly wanted to see these terms appear: experience, caregiver, interpersonal, understanding, facilitating. With a possible risk of slight deformation which I chose to take and which I fully assume. The conditions for the change process are mentioned with Carl Rogers’ words in chapter 14 of the book: “Significant learning: In Therapy and in Education” (page 285).

In the context of therapy, this approach is referred as « Person-centered therapy ». To know more about, read the Wikipedia article: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Person-centered_therapy

3.3. A note on necessary and sufficient conditions▲

I now share a note about these necessary and sufficient conditions for the process of change in a person. In Carl Rogers’ work, only five are mentioned. I added the psychological contact to the list by reviewing different articles on the subject. In fact, all conditions, except the first, about the contact, are experienced to varying degrees. And, therefore, the first condition was considered and presented as an alternative by the American psychologist: it may or may not be present. Can we deduce that it is the only one which is not necessary? The “necessary and sufficient” qualifiers for the conditions of the process are thus discussed through critical evaluations within the framework of scientific research to improve and make adjustments to existing therapies and care techniques. We can also consider that the first condition is a prerequisite, a pre-condition to be included in the list, because, without it, the other conditions would have no meaning.

4. Personality Change in Psychotherapy▲

4.1. With an experimentally verifiable demonstration▲

In the work, Carl Rogers does not just share his experiences, his thoughts, his ideas, he provides proof, an experimentally verifiable demonstration with a rigorous method. I was therefore particularly delighted to read chapter 11 of the book: “Personality Change in Psychotherapy” because Carl Rogers broadly shares the plan of investigation of psychotherapy and thus delivers a rigorous demonstration of the plan research with two control methods. Thanks to this double control, we have the guarantee of the effectiveness of the therapeutic treatment. The benefits and effects of psychotherapy are observable, measurable, quantifiable, healing is not random and does not depend on variable elements. The scientist and zetician that I am is delighted by Carl Rogers’ approach.

Furthermore, with this research plan, we can note that we can constantly evaluate Rogerian therapy with at stake instructions, recommendations to follow for the therapist or caregiver which allow the improvement of well-being, the quality of care for the person to be cared. 

4.2. Limits, restrictions?▲

Any limits, restrictions to this approach to care? In fact, they mainly come from the needs and expectations of the person requiring help. People who suffer from phobias or a specific difficulty such as an addiction will not benefit immediately. Care is possible but requires time while other techniques of care have proven themselves, such as the technique of progressive exposure to the phobic object. In addition, the conditions for the change process must be present at a minimum because they are necessary. If psychological contact cannot be made because of extreme pathology, if no communication about emotions is possible, the process of change will be difficult to achieve. For me, the existence of the framework is completely reassuring. I am always suspicious of theories or methods that promise wonders or without putting forward a framework and restrictions. Moreover, to date there is no absolute scientific theory.

5. The concept of « Good Life »▲

5.1. The Fully Functioning Person▲

In chapter 9: “A Therapist’s View of the Good Life: The Fully Functioning Person”, Carl Rogers addresses, in his own words, “the concept of the Fully Functioning Person”. In these pages the following ideas are treated: the definition of good life, freedom and determinism, creativity as an element of good life, human nature is fundamentally trustworthy, greatest richness of life.

5.2. A positive observation and definition of Carl Rogers▲

First, Carl Rogers shares his sentiment and gives a positive observation:

« The good life is a process, non a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination. »

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt. 9 A Therapist’s View of the Good Life: The Fully Functioning Person, p. 186.

Then, he gives his definition:

« The good life, from the point of view of my experience, is the process of movement in a direction which the human organism selects when it is inwardly free to move in any direction, and the general qualities of this selected direction appear to have a certain universality. »

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt. 9 A Therapist’s View of the Good Life: The Fully Functioning Person, p. 187.

5.3. My personal view on the notion of Good Life▲

I once had this terrible feeling that too few people are ultimately living their lives. People exist, survive but do not live, but these people do not realize it… because they are not free, including to think so.

A very telling chapter because… Looking at my personal life path, I can see that the fullness functioning to live good life varies according to the degree of freedom I have had. Each time I felt free, I was able to develop my talents, grow my skills and create with radiant joy. Despite the drama, the breakups, the injustices, my life is “good”: I am radiant with life.

6. Teaching and Learning▲

6.1. The learning process▲

As someone who loves to learn, who loves to discover new knowledge, I found a deep resonance in reading chapter 13 of the book: “Personal Thoughts on Teaching and Learning”. How do we move from not knowing to knowing? It seems to me that the learning process is not a long, quiet river.

At the end of my studies, I already asked myself questions like this: “Despite motivation, how can we not be able to learn?” »”, “How can we help to learn, to understand?”, “What we understand, what we grasp, really depends on the teacher, the pedagogy used to transmit knowledge or the personal aptitude of the student to receive knowledge in a precise context so that learning and the transmission of knowledge can take place?”.

A little personal aside: the chapter spoke to me and it also… made me laugh. Indeed, after reading it, I was struck by a fit of laughter; leaving my hotel room to go to the restaurant at lunchtime, I had to bewilder the passing tourists. At night, I dreamed that I was flying to the United States, that I was attending that seminar at Harvard, and that I was laughing when I saw the faces of the teachers there listening to Carl Rogers. Laughter but no mockery because the subject is completely serious. I am convinced now that I would have arranged to attend if the same were to take place.

6.2. Sharing about a Carl Rogers seminar on classroom teaching▲

What am I talking about ? Which seminar? In fact, Carl Rogers was invited to participate in a seminar hosted by Harvard University on the topic: “Classroom Approaches to Influencing Human Behavior”. I share some answers from the American psychologist:

« My experience has been that I cannot teach another person how to teach. »

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt. 13 Personal Thoughts on Teaching and Learning, p. 276.

« I have come to feel that the only learning which significantly influences behavior is self-discovered, self-appropriated learning. »

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt. 13 Personal Thoughts on Teaching and Learning, p. 276.

« Such self-discovered learning, truth that has been personally appropriated and assimilated in experience, cannot be directly communicated to another. »

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt. 13 Personal Thoughts on Teaching and Learning, p. 276.

« As a consequence of the above, I realize that I have lost interest in being a teacher. »

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt. 13 Personal Thoughts on Teaching and Learning, p. 276.

After this sharing which he calls attempts of explanations based on his experience as a teacher and the practice of individual and collective therapy, he writes that he is only frightened when he considers the consequences of this observation: “do away with teaching”, “do away with examinations”, “do away with grads and credits”, among others […].

I share the same observation and the same consequences of this observation. I always thought that teaching pedagogies and evaluations as they were currently designed were useless. I would like to point out that I hold several post-baccalaureate diplomas: an electronics technician diploma, a professional master’s degree in engineering, a research master’s degree, all obtained with more than honorable results. So I personally have no interest in their disappearance, and yet…

What happened at this seminar? Carl Rogers indicates, in his own words, that his sharing caused a tumult; feelings run so high that seminar participants felt like they were threatened in their profession and that he was obviously saying things that he didn’t mean. He was also told this comment: “You kept more people awake last night!”. I personally slept very well after reading the chapter. When I read these words, I was not surprised. My laughter is the consequence of the representation of the scene, of the probable misunderstandings which resulted from it, of the unusual nature of the content to the ears of the assembly.

6.3. My personal thoughts on learning▲

Des pensées personnelles à ce sujet me viennent : des cours particuliers improvisés, des soutiens pour d’autres élèves ou étudiant·es, ma méthode personnelle pour apprendre, et notamment l’importance que j’accorde à la manière d’apprendre, où j’estime que le cours principal pour soi est « apprendre à apprendre ». Une formule me vient pour éclairer ma pensée :

Personal thoughts on this subject come to me: improvised private lessons, support for other pupils or students, my personal method of learning, and in particular the importance I attach to the way of learning, where I feel the main course according to me is “learn how to learn”. A formula comes to me to enlighten my thoughts:

« There is a personal pedagogy for learning to acquire by oneself, but there is no pedagogy for teaching. ».

And, so, I was delighted to read this chapter, to listen to Carl Rogers’ point of view on this theme “Teaching and Learning”, as a teacher, a psychologist and a person sensitive to that question.

7. Notable quotes from Carl Rogers▲

To finish this personal post on this work by Carl Rogers, I share eight other significant quotes from Carl Rogers, remarkable to my eyes and ears:

On investing in the social sciences:

“I hope for the day when we will invest at least the price of one or two large rockets in the search for more adequate understanding of human relationships.”

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, To the Reader, p. X.

On the current state of knowledge:

“I hope it may be clear from this volume that we already possess learnings which, put to use, would help to decrease the inter-racial, industrial, and international tensions which exist.”

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, To the Reader, p. X.

On his hopes:

“The conviction grows in me that we shall discover laws of personality and behavior which are as significant for human progress or human understanding as the law of gravity or the laws of thermodynamics.”

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt.1 “This is Me”, p. 14.

“If I can thus make clear to a significant number of people the unused resource knowledge already available in the realm of interpersonal relationships, I will feel greatly rewarded.”

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, To the Reader, p. X.

On personal experience and authority:

“Neither the Bible nor the prophets—neither Freud nor research—neither the revelations of God nor man—can take precedence over my own direct experience.”

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt.1 “This is Me”, p. 24.

“My experience is not authoritative because it is infallible. It is the basis of authority because it can always be checked in new primary ways. In this way its frequent error or fallibility is always open to correction.”

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt.1 “This is Me”, p. 24.

On the process of change:

“[…] the curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I change.”

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt.1 “This is Me”, p. 17.

On social interactions:

“I have come to feel that the more fully the individual is understood and accepted, the more he tends to drop the false fronts with which he has been meeting life, and the more he tends to move in a direction which is forward”

Carl Rogers, On becoming a person, chpt.1 “This is Me”, p. 27.

8. ECP and facilitating conditions to help or care▲

During my analysis of the work, I mentioned the six facilitating conditions which allow a helping relationship or a therapeutic relationship to be carried out successfully. I am interested in helping others as best as possible by understanding the process of change that operates for the person being cared. Among them, my attention is particularly focused on the three nodal conditions: empathy, congruence and unconditional positive regard. To remember them, I use a mnemonic, an acronym in three letters: ECP, very close to ACP, the French acronym to designate the person-centered therapy. This choice, which I consider clever, facilitates their memorization and resurgence. And, therefore, now, to have the desire to share, to shed light in my own way on the three facilitating attitudes. Spotlight on ECP!

8.1. Empathy▲

E for Empathy.

8.1.1. Definitions of empathy▲

Definition of empathy in a dictionary

To begin, I share the definition from the Le petit Robert, a French dictionary. A ritual, a routine like a joyful refrain.

First, let’s look at the etymology: from en- “inside” and -pathy “what one experiences”. en- Element, from Latin in- and im-, from in “in”, serving, with the noun stem that it precedes, in the formation of compound verbs which becomes em- before b, m, p. -pathy, -pathic, -pathe Suffixal groups, from the Greek -patheia, -pathês, from pathos “what one experiences”. Then, let’s read the definition itself: “In philosophy, in psychology: ability to identify with someone, to feel what they feel. “. I find this definition quite vague and imprecise and can apply to other words such as identification or even compassion.

Definition of empathy by Carl Rogers

I now share Carl Rogers’ definition, mentioned by Françoise Mariotti in a café to which I assisted, that I personally translated:

“Empathy involves grasping, as accurately as possible, the internal references and emotional components of another person and understanding them as if you were that other person. Without ever losing sight of the ‘as if’.”

Café psycho Variations of empathy, animated by Françoise Mariotti, May 16, 2013.

My personal definition of empathy

And, now, I share mine, constructed after several readings and after choosing ‘my words to say it’ and translating them in English:

“Empathy is the ability to put oneself in the place of another person, thus discovering their personal universe, their emotional state, their way of thinking, their being in its entirety, with their own frame of reference, by putting their ego aside and without being affected by this connection.”

Sonia Kanclerski, article On becoming a person, Pause-café chez Sonia, April 30, 2021.

8.1.2. Semantic space of empathy▲

Using a linguistic tool, I also present a semantic space of the word empathy. Three words stand out: compassion, identification, and sollicitude (or concern). Compassion is about grasping only the emotions felt by the person being listened to and being affected. Identification is the ability to understand the other person by being that other person, omitting the “as if”. Caring is affectionate care, attentive behavior towards the person without special consideration for understanding.

8.1.3. Empathy and empathic listening▲

What is empathy? I have already shared definitions. I add some personal qualifiers or close ideas related to the notion of empathy. For me, empathy is also an intellectual capacity for transposition, the highest level of listening, a way of exploring humanity, a questioning of our relationship to the world and our own behavior, a communication tool that provides information about a person’s emotional state, behavior, actions and finally a gift for oneself or others.

What do I listen to when I listen to myself, when I listen to what’s going on inside me? My emotional feelings: my emotions, my feelings when they last, a disturbance or an emotional storm when the emotions are plural and intense, my thoughts, my bodily sensations (breathing, gurgling, muscle tension, etc.), hubbub in the event of nuisance external, a restful silence, harmony or dissonance when there is one.

What do I listen to when I practice empathic listening, when I listen to others? The personal universe of the other: their way of being, the words and silences, the vocabulary used, the register, the emotions of the moment, sounds: breathing, heartbeat, and also noise in melts when there is any.

“One sees clearly only with the heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye.”

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince.

8.1.4. Obstacles to empathic listening▲

What are the obstacles to empathic listening? The main dangers that I have identified are internal and external nuisances (an emotional disturbance, sensory disturbances such as noise, bad odors, etc.), poor health, an unsuitable, inadequate, sufficient or insufficient behavior, identification, projection and another danger for which I have not been able to find a name to qualify it.

Indeed, it is difficult to listen to a person if the sound of a jackhammer is heard or if you personally feel serious emotional distress after having just heard bad news, for example.

Likewise, if we are particularly tired or ill, it will be difficult to muster the personal resources to practice empathic listening as for other activities. Always take your own state of health into account when listening to others and communicate it if necessary.

Having an inappropriate, inadequate, sufficient or insufficient behavior: giving pieces of advice, suggestions, denying, putting things into perspective, being too intrusive, investigating and giving your solution, bringing yourself back to yourself, not welcoming the other, not giving sufficient space to the other and doing “me, I”, being in excess: not listening enough or being too close and compassionate, being too trusting and being careless about the other person’s internal references, being defeatist in listening and think that empathy is only a tool for listening professionals.

Identification is an interesting but inappropriate posture for a dialog, particularly in the context of a helping relationship, because there is no perspective, no safe distance: being too far away does not allow understanding, being too close either. Projection is to use personal elements from one’s own universe, to extrapolate, to relate to what is known for oneself in the hope of getting as close as possible to what the other person experiences except that the universe of the other person may be different, or even disjointed. Be careful not to listen to what you want to listen to or understand, or to make cognitive or emotional shortcuts based on your feelings, which are at least subjective.

The last danger that I didn’t know how to name is taking into consideration all the components of the other person’s universe except their emotions. The semantic space of this unqualified danger would be: phlegm, equanimity, impassivity, coldness, cynicism, detachment.

I propose two examples to illustrate this danger. The first example is to tell the war in the narrator’s shoes without expressing the slightest emotion. “During the 20^th century, the Second World War claimed about sixty million lives. » which is not quite the same thing as “Another terrible war broke out sadly and unfortunately for our humanity during the 20^th century, more bloody and murderous than the previous one. It annihilated about sixty million human beings and the monstrous atomic bomb was used.”. It is about understanding raw facts without emotions, or without taking into account their effects on the person being listened to, or by denigrating them, or also by minimizing them. This would be a cool and “cold” reading of the other person’s world, while compassion would be a warm reading focusing only on the emotional feeling. The second example is to ask a question to a person to whom you know the answer in advance, but not the whole answer. “Do you like the detective genre? Yes, I am a fan of Agatha Christie. “. The point of the answer is how the person says yes: by showing enthusiasm, by showing restraint, or by being visibly indifferent. If we do not take emotion into account, we do not have the whole answer; we only have part of it and I would even say that it is erroneous because it is incomplete.

I realize that the greatest danger is for me identification. For other dangers: the state of health, the feeling of worry, weariness, daily heaviness, lack of space-time of one’s own, a project that is close to one’s heart and takes up too much space.

And for those around me, I cite “danger without qualifier” and projection. I note that identification is a faculty that I often find in people who are passionate about reading. I smile as I write this last sentence. When I can practice empathetic listening, I feel like I am doing pretty well at it. In case of difficulty, I sometimes use techniques to be in harmony with myself: introspection or intimate analysis of being, mindfulness meditation, sophrology. These techniques allow me to put myself in a satisfactory state for the practice of empathic listening.

8.1.5. Aside: a personal note about mindfulness meditation▲

A quick note on mindfulness meditation. I laugh at how people talk about it or what they say about it in specialist magazines because it is very far from what I do and yet I hear that I am “in the right ?”. I want to start making a list of what mindfulness meditation is not. Mindfulness meditation is not taking the lotus position and forcing yourself to remain silent for a certain period of time, it is not doing yoga while listening to Zen music, it is not having wise philosophical thoughts like a Buddhist monk… I call these actions doing violence to oneself. I am harsh but I share my personal opinion, for what it is worth of course. So, what is it, while you are being the smart one? No, I protest. I try to listen as best I can. So, for me, mindfulness meditation is “listening to yourself in the present moment while respecting yourself.”. Deep listening centered on oneself and in the present moment. Quite simply. There is no question of repressing anger or denying sadness. Especially not. To end this little note, I choose to use the words of a listening professional who practices it:

“Let go what must go to let come what must come.”

Carl Rogers experiential seminar, Aspet, March 2017.

8.1.6. My personal experience of empathetic listening▲

Looking back, I have the feeling that my twin relationship, as it developed, greatly contributed to stimulate the use of mirror neurons for me. The discovery of the internal universe of another person is therefore made easier for me. Sometimes I guess, understand, grasp elements in depth from the first contact, even in spite of myself. I explain it by the care I take to use this wonderful communication tool.

I try to be an empathetic listener as soon as circumstances warrant it. I therefore develop this ability over time in full awareness. But… What is this but… I feel very alone in this approach. My relatives do not understand the importance and underestimate the benefits of such listening. As for the distant people or the unknown people that I happen to meet, I note its pure and simple absence. Terrible observation. Cut off the floor, show indifference, occupy the communication space with banalities or trivialities, never sit down to speak, have the feeling that the interlocutors have something to do, dismiss the subject quickly done, badly done are thus common attitudes in all my circles. To my great personal dismay. Talking about human rights, violence, injustices and high-stakes topics is therefore almost impossible. I even wonder if this is not the root cause of a taboo subject: the lack of empathy. It is almost an implicit convention of social life: we do not talk about subjects that are disturbing. And so we are sure to never find solutions. So, it is an antisocial convention in fact. Sadly. I sigh in distress.

Why is it important to be able to listen with empathy? When we do not listen or listen badly, we cannot listen that we do not listen, or poorly. We cannot become aware, realize, be in the right proximity. Communication is then biased, altered and the consequences can be unfortunate depending on the degree of importance of the message.

An aside on empathy with a television series: Good Doctor. In an episode entitled Empathy (The limits of empathy in Frech), Doctor Shaun Murphy asks the question of the role of empathy in the profession of a therapist. The doctor suffering from Asperger’s syndrome has a deficit of mirror neurons and therefore cannot practice empathetic listening or demonstrate empathy in communication. It is a serious handicap for doing his job… except that I do not think he is doing so bad… Why? Because of its relationship to empathy. Over time, he became aware of this lack in the exercise of his profession and spoke about it with his colleagues. He ends up taking this into account in his behavior: he communicates by integrating the lack of empathy. Conversely, others who can practice empathic listening use it clumsily and therefore communicate poorly. Empathy is a (fabulous!) communication tool that can be worked on, as long as we understand its role in communication and give it time. The importance of being able to pay attention to the benevolent use of empathy, to its lack of use or also to its perverse use to hurt.

To be able to listen with empathy, I share some actions that I try to apply. Familiarize yourself, if not mastering the tools allowing you to listen to yourself more or less in depth. Sit down, find space and time regularly, plan time for other people. Show the person being listened to presence, attention and delicacy in your expression and behavior. Evaluate your listening without judging yourself. And also… Do not seek success. We know that being listened to and understood is complicated. Do we understand ourselves completely? So, feeling that a person is trying to do it is already great in itself. This is why I consider empathetic listening to be a gift.

8.1.7. The poem Can You Just Listen?▲

To finish with the first initial of the ECP, I share a poem on empathetic listening by an anonymous Indian author, entitled Can you just listen?, crossed several times and found on cairn.info, a digital library on social sciences, with a personal translation.

“When I asked you to listen to me and you started to give me advice, you did not do what I asked you.
When I ask you to listen to me and you start telling me why I should not feel this way, you are flouting my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel like you need to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, as strange as that may seem.
Listen, all I ask is that you listen to me. Not that you speak or do anything: I only ask you to listen to me.
The advice is cheap, for a few pennies, I will have in the same newspaper the mail from the heart and my horoscope.
I want to act by myself, I am not helpless, perhaps a little discouraged or hesitant, but not helpless.
When you do something for me, that I can and need to do by myself, you contribute to my fear, you accentuate my inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I feel what I feel (no matter the rationality) I can stop convincing you, and I can try to start understanding what is behind these irrational feelings.
When it is clear, the answers become obvious and I do not need advice.
Irrational feelings become intelligible when we understand what is behind them.
Perhaps this is why prayer sometimes works for some people, because God is silent. He or She does not give advice. He or She is not trying to make things better. They just listen and let you solve the problem yourself.
So please listen and hear me. And if you want to talk, just wait a moment and I will listen.”

Can you just listen? Poem by an anonymous Indian author.
Approche Centrée sur la Personne. Pratique et recherche 2008/1 (n° 7), page 60.
https://www.cairn.info/revue-approche-centree-sur-la-personne-2008-1-page-60.htm

8.2. Congruence▲

C for Congruence.

The word that immediately comes to mind after congruence is authenticity. What I say is my personal interpretation of what I understand. This involves taking into account for the person who is listening one’s own general state in the present moment and, if necessary, communicating it to the person being listened to. Being able to listen without a mask, without a filter or without the person being listened to perceive or to believe that she perceives one. Empathic listening must therefore be done, as far as possible, without the state of the person who is listening being a nuisance for the person being listened to. Congruence: the authentic, listenable, harmonious, shareable state of one’s being in the present moment? The second nodal condition therefore contributes, in my opinion, to create a reassuring framework, to create a climate of trust, to invite sharing, to open up in dialogue. I noted a situation where congruence is useful in communication: when empathic listening becomes impossible because of an emotional disorder or a sudden change of state due to the words listened to, which are too violent, hurtful, disturbing. So, saying, sharing the state of one’s being with the person whose words moved allows one to invite reflection, to question them on the content of the statement, its hurtful nature, and thus, contribute to a dialog more in delicacy. This is very hard to do in practice, but realizing it allows you to be aware of the limits to personal empathetic listening.

8.3. Unconditional positive consideration▲

P for unconditional Positive consideration or unconditional Positive regard.

In my opinion, unconditional positive regard constitutes the expression of respect and human dignity, love of humanity in all its dimensions, acceptance of all facets of humanity without any judgment.

This third nodal condition questions the limits of the person who is listening. What can she listen to? One crime, ten crimes, a thousand crimes? One hell, ten hells, a thousand hells? How can we welcome the unspeakable, the unbearable, the monstrosity, the inhumanity? The answer is precisely unconditional positive consideration. A brief comment on the three terms of the expression: consideration has a stronger connotation than respect; the adjective positive conveys the idea of something not neutral, of growing the flame of humanity; the use of the adjective unconditional is paradoxical because listening always takes place within a necessarily limiting framework, in particular to guarantee the quality of the listening; in fact, I understand it as accepting darkness wherever one’s possible and respecting the defined framework. The person who is listening and the person who is being listened to are human beings.

A quick aside: I often hear that “respect is earned.” I do not agree with this expression. In my opinion, there must be basic respect: it is precisely this which allows us not to harm, not to hurt, not to degrade or vandalize, to avoid committing violent acts. In my eyes, respect represents the threshold value of humanity. Consideration, recognition, esteem can be obtained subsequently. And then I also admit that I hate the use of the verb earn (or win) in the expression, especially in this context where it is a question of human dignity. I am tired of the notion of fight, of competition, of result, as if victory, gain, prestige were the Holy Grail or the panacea in human life. I sigh in exasperation.

So much for my sharing on three letters: ECP, carried by XXL joy. I laugh while playing with the letters.

9. Any reservations about the work?▲

I share a cheerful analysis of this work by Carl Rogers where I could be criticized for a lack of objectivity. No. I consider in fact that I take the necessary and sufficient perspective on the content, even if it is unknown, unexpected, confusing. Besides, I always try to scrutinize possible flaws in a scientific study. I just want to share a remark, which I do not consider as a criticism, which says a lot about what I think of the quality of the work. I indeed consider this work brilliant, radiant, luminous, illuminating, inspiring.

In fact, my remark concerns the choice of vocabulary used and the use made of it according to the profession and the discipline concerned by the content. I am an engineer and Carl Rogers is a psychologist. I note that the understanding of certain words can be altered by a different use of the word in question.

I cite two examples to demonstrate my point. The first example concerns the words direction and sense. In everyday life, they are often used with the same meaning. For a mathematician, these two words have a very distinct definition. A chest of drawers moves on the same axis, in the same direction but in two different orientations: either you pull it or you push it. In the street, when we are looking for our way, we rather say that we took the wrong direction, not the wrong orientation (not the wrong ‘sens’ in French). The second example concerns the words weight and mass. In daily life, in health notebooks and on balances, we use the term weight with a unit expressed in kg. This is an abuse of language and would be false for a physicist. Indeed, weight is measured in newtons (N) while mass is expressed in kilograms (kg). If the mass is approximately and often constant throughout the Universe (except in extreme cases), the weight varies according to the force of gravitation. There is a link between weight and mass with the following formula: W = m x g (weight = mass x gravitation). g is 9.807 on our planet and 1.62 on the Moon, which explains why we feel lighter on our satellite because its force of attraction is six times less.

Obviously, the remark that I am making here is not specific to this work but concerns all those which deal with varied scientific disciplines with writers and readers with multiple horizons, impregnated by a more or less close culture. In addition, the linguistic distance must be taken into account, but we can trust the translators to be faithful to the author’s words. I chose to have the original version of this work On becoming a person to be able to listen directly to Carl Rogers and his own choice of words to say.

10. Encounter Groups▲

This chapter on encounter groups constitutes a share not covered strictly speaking in that work On becoming a person. I decided to add it to this article because Carl Rogers led many encounter groups and wrote a book on the subject: On Encounter Groups. New York: Harrow Books (1970).

10.1. Definition of an encounter group by Carl Rogers▲

What is an encounter group according to Carl Rogers?

The encounter group brings together a group of people to meet themselves and others. It allows you to enrich yourself with the experiences and sensitivity of others. Each person arrives and participates with what they are in the here and now. The presence of a facilitator, a committed support person who is attentive to the experiences and feelings of the members of the group, contributes to the creation of a climate of respect, trust and security.

Carl Rogers points out:

“What drives people to the encounter group: it is a hunger for deep and true relationships in which feelings and emotions can be expressed spontaneously without being more or less stifled or cautiously censored.”  

(personal translation from the French version of the work)
Carl Rogers. On Encounter Groups. New York: Harrow Books (1970).

What he says about the group:

“In a climate of freedom and help, the members of a group become more spontaneous, more flexible, closer to their experiences, more open to their own experience and they lead to deeper interpersonal exchanges. And that is the type of human being you find at the end of an encounter group.”

(personal translation from the French version of the work)
Carl Rogers. On Encounter Groups. New York: Harrow Books (1970).

10.2. The documentary film Journey Into Self▲

While surfing the web to find out more, I discovered a documentary film Journey Into Self, directed by Tom Skinner, produced by Bill McGaw and released in 1968. Doctors Carl Rogers and Richard Farson conduct a therapy session group with eight people: among them, three businessmen, a theology student, a teacher, a school principal, a housewife and an employee. This documentary film received the Academy Award for Best Documentary Feature in 1969. I watched some extracts in the original version. I hope one day to be able to take the time to translate it into French myself, having not found subtitles.

11. Conclusion: the words of the end of my sharing▲

So, it was no surprise to learn that Carl Rogers was nominated to receive the Nobel Peace Prize for his work and his personal action in favor of the peace process, particularly in Costa Rica and South Africa. Unfortunately, he died that same year, in 1987.

A personal remark by the way: the title of Carl Rogers’ work is objectively significant. It tells how a human being can grow, from nobody he can become somebody: on becoming a person. As if humanity is a fluid that we should learn to fill with.

What I share here on the work On beoming a person is a personal exploration. I crossed paths with the work of Carl Rogers by questioning the state of knowledge and research in the social sciences and on human behavior. I have not taken any courses in a university or institute. What I was able to analyze, understand and what I now share in this article is therefore based on a determined, committed and careful approach to understand the work of Carl Rogers. In my eyes, this constitutes a kind of salutary lighthouse towards which I look when I feel lost, disoriented, perplexed about what I am experiencing or when I cannot project myself into the future.

Thank you Carl Rogers for your work so radiant to my ears! I was delighted to listen to you. I have the feeling that I will come across your work again in one way or another, for further sharing and plural listening. So see you soon!

Sonia Kanclerski, article updated on 02/25/2024.